Things might not have been the most luxurious for me out in the back country of nowhere, but I was doing pretty well with a full stomach, good sleep, invigorating exercise, and yep, a book, which dad had insisted I bring along. I also had dad. He and I had never really talked like we did over those two weeks. He told me about how much the divorce hurt, how he and mom had met and fell in love, how much he loved me.
I got to ask him what caused the divorce, how he felt about being with me know, how he felt about mom, and his new wife. He explained it all, and it made some sense. There had been problems even before I was born. They had good and bad feelings and memories, just like I did. I began to see my dad, and my mom, too, through different eyes, and I saw them as people apart from me.
When dad and I left the woods, we were still sweating and the deer flies were still biting, but I felt different, I was stronger. And, that strength was something that came not only from knowing how to cook my own food, lug armfuls of wood three or four times a day, and make my own safe and cozy place in the world, no matter where.
It came from an inner sense of seeing things as they are. There may also be more of a sense of describing what happened than explaining why this trip was significant—a question of the right emphasis. It is also a bit too long. Suggestions Start with the walk into the camp. Put the reader there with you right away with good specific detail and give the reader a sense of who you are. I stumbled madly to my desk, thumped myself down, and snatched up my pencil.
I had just won another skirmish in my ongoing battle with the crossword puzzle. What worked here? As a writer, I admired the way she built a sense of mystery at the outset, one that served to draw the reader in. The applicant writes: I believe in jello; a silly greeting, tasty dessert, or the answer to life as we know it? Factor 1: Have you ever tried to make jello? It takes patience. First you have to boil the water; then mix it with powder, stirring for two minutes; then finally adding the cold water and putting it in the fridge for forty-five minutes.
Think about the creation of people… To share your own thoughts on essay strategies — and, perhaps, some excerpts of your own — please use the comment box below. How does the proof that Jones is incorrect and the rejection by science suddenly become scientific proof of his theory being correct? Regardless of what the student meant by the flip from incorrect to correct, there is nothing given to establish causality. Regardles of whether It's disappointing to see such sloppiness as this in an essay.
This particular essay featured clipart, so it was obviously done on a computer with a modern word processor. It clearly wasn't spell-checked.
Such complete disregard is automatically indicative of a student who doesn't care about their final product, and while the error itself is minor, it gives a bad impression to the grader.
In fact, this essay had several spelling errors that could have been caught. That's inexcusable at the university level. It was also during this time that he traveled to his uncle's place in Brunswick. Use "home," "apartment," "residence" or other such appropriate word instead.
Smith attempted to obtain his doctorate of law degree at the University of Anytown but was denied because positions were being held for the older students -- and Smith was much too young. Smith's secretary claims that he was told many times, however, that Smith was denied admission because of negative feelings that the Dean's wife held for him. Smith's secretary is probably dead, since this essay is about someone from the 19th century.
Therefore, they no longer claim anything. It should be past tense. Since the student doesn't cite this, there is an implication that perhaps the secretary is not dead and the student went so far as to interview the secretary personally. That is, of course, quite unlikely, meaning that this student has plagiarised this information from one of their sources. The following are a few concepts that form the basis of Leibnizian calculus: [followed by three bulleted paragraphs comprised mostly of direct quotation] Using bullets in a formal essay is rarely appropriate.
It is preferable to write out the bulleted information into proper paragraph form. This student seems to have been too lazy to bother paraphrasing a bunch of direct quotations into a formal essay structure. Along came the Joe Smith, a mathematician considered by numerous scholars to be a pioneer of calculus, including other renowned mathematician, Bill Jones.
There has only been one? The student means "another," not "other. The first page of the essay starts with: have been developed 5. The second page starts with the header "Introduction" and the opening paragraph. Clearly, the student stapled the pages out of order. What a sloppy mistake! Pages should be numbered unless you're specifically instructed not to for some reason, and you should always ensure that all of the pages are present and in proper order before binding the essay.
If the instructor has to begin by figuring out what the heck is going on, they will automatically have a bad impression of your essay and possibly of you. Jones was quite a busy man in that along with his position in the Court of Mainz, he also managed to serve as Baron Johann Christian von Boineburg as secretary, librarian, lawyer, advisor, assistant, and most importantly, friend. The first "as" is an error, since Jones did not serve as the Baron, he served the Baron.
This may have been caught if the student had read their essay out loud. If this is the case, it is a quotation from a source and should be cited. If not, it is colloquial and should just say "His friend Bill Jones A site called "Grammar and Style" has information on how to use who and whom. This isn't even a complete sentence. Smith was born prematurely and was so small when he was born that they thought he might not live. Repeating that he was born is redundant. Who does "they" refer to?
It is a pronoun without an antecedent. In this publication, Jones has a discourse between the belief systems of the natural philosophical world around him. Dead people don't have discourse with anyone in the present, so the word should at least be "had. One does not speak orally in a publication. It is written. This word should be omitted. Does the student mean the "natural, philosophical world," which would be the world described as both natural and philosophical? Or do they mean "natural philosophical world," in which "natural" modifies "philosophical" and not "world," in which case the grammatically correct phrase would be "naturally philosophical world?
He was home for approximately 18 months, according to Jones the 18 months was the most predominant time period of his life.
This is a run-on sentence. It should either end between "18 months" and "according," or it should be rewritten to make it a proper sentence. Something cannot be "most superior. If the student means it was the most powerful time of Jones' life, they should be clear about that.
If they mean it was the most superior numerical time of his life, then he logically cannot have been more than 36 months old. Simpson was content after his ability to reproduce Smith's experiment.
Jones was not that easy, the two men fought constantly. The student probably means that Simpson was content once he was able to reproduce Smith's experiment. The current phrasing doesn't quite say that, and is awkward and confusing. Jones was "not that easy" to what? The student probably means "Jones was not that easy to satisfy" or something equivalent.
It should end after "easy," or be rewritten to be grammatically correct. Which two men? Simpson and Jones or Smith and Jones? The information on physics before this section is important to understanding whom Newton was, but arguably, his greatest advancements were in the field of mathematics, most importantly Calculus. Incorrect use of "whom. There should not be a comma between "arguably" and "his. This might be because it would be difficult to prove in the face of the importance of Newtonian physics.
Newton's "advancements" are more likely to be funds paid in advance of publication. The addition of "most importantly" is awkward. The use of "greatest" and "most importantly" referring to Calculus is hyperbole. Given that this essay was for a Calculus class, it sounds like a kiss-up. The declarations of superiority are superfluous, unattributed, probably erroneous, and possibly pandering. It's all very ugly. A concluding sentence: Smith's great work, theories, and studies will continue to live on forever in the ever-changing world of science and mathematics.
How can the student know that Smith's work will "live on" forever? That's an impossible assertion to make. Work, theories and studies don't "live. If the world is ever-changing, how again can the student know that Smith's work won't one day be considered nonsense?
Or lost entirely? This conclusion reeks of hyperbole. So does the phrase "reeks of hyperbole," but this is not a formal essay.
A scientist before Smith by the name of Jones knew that he could demonstrate the ration between two infinite sums The phrasing here is a bit awkward. It would be better phrased: "Jones, a predecessor of Smith, knew that The student meant "ratio. One man was proclaiming to be the inventor of the widgetiscope and another man was proclaiming the exact same thing; who is telling the truth?
The main problem here is the change in tense. You can't go from "was" to "is" if the subject remains fixed in time. Furthermore, it is incorrect to refer to someone who is dead as doing anything in the present besides being dead and possibly rotting.
A dead person is not telling anything right now, but they were in the past. Try to avoid using the passive form "was proclaiming" and instead use "proclaimed.
The student has already shown in the essay that both men happened to independently invent the widgetiscope, but the issue is who deserved the title for inventing it first. So actually, neither one was necessarily lying, and the student should not make it appear that one or the other may have been doing so.
You must be careful not to libel people. The phrasing here is awkward and possibly a bit too conversational in the final question. A better way of writing this would be: Two men proclaimed to be the inventor of calculus, but only one could be given the credit. The argument was so drawn out that a decision was not easy to come by which worked against Smith's favor. Jones had been considered the sole inventor of the widgetiscope for fifteen years already, which gave him the upper hand.
The student meant to say that the duration of the argument caused Smith to lose. But because the student failed to put the necessary comma between the bolded words, this sentence actually says, by means of a complicated string of multiple negatives, that it was not easy to come to a decision against Smith, meaning he won.
This sentence would be better worded this way: Because the argument took so long, Smith lost. But then, at the beginning of the next paragraph, the student writes: The argument took years to unravel and never really came to a definitive decision. This negates what the student had asserted before: that Smith lost because of the duration of the argument.
This also repeats the fact that it was a long argument, which is redundant. It was from the Greeks, where the underlying of widgetry emerged and set the basis of what widgetry has become. The Greeks are a people, not a place, so things come from "whom," not "where. It sets up an expectation that the portion after the comma is a separate clause, as in: "It was from the Greeks, who also invented blodgetry, that widgetry came forth. You can't just say the underlying of widgetry.
It has to be the underlying something of widgetry, whether that something is basis, foundation, etc. Although there was a time of intellectual heightening, there came a period of darkness in the development of mathematics Ewards In going over this old essay, I wondered if perhaps this was a typo of the name "Edwards. Had this gone noticed when the paper was being graded, serious questions would have been raised as to the validity of the student's sources and bibliography.
Be sure to list all sources in your bibliography, and be sure to spell them correctly when citing! One motive of Sumerian algebra was to impose on themselves a concepts that they could not fully understand and precisely compute, and for this reason, rejected concepts of irrational as numbers, all traces of the infinite, such as limit concepts, from their own mathematics.
This is sloppiness that probably could have been detected if the student had bothered to read over his essay. The sentence should end after "compute.
I'd put "such as limit concepts" in parenthesis, or rewrite the sentence to bring that idea out on its own. If Greek rigor had surmounted their need to succeed in these elements and refused to use real numbers and limits till they had finally understood them, calculus may have never formed and mathematics as a whole would be obsolete Apostal The verb "refused" applies to "Greek rigor," not Greeks, which is nonsensical. Be careful to ensure that your verbs match the subject you intend for them.
Don't use "till" when you mean "until. The proper phrase is "have never been formed. Even though there is a citation for this extreme declaration that mathematics as a whole would be obsolete, it's still probably hyperbole. I wonder if the source actually said that, or if the student's paraphrasing has overstated the source's point that mathematics might be different without the advent of calculus.
Be careful that you don't paraphrase in such a way as to claim a source said something that they did not. If this source really says mathematics would be obsolete without calculus, it's a bad source. Such a statement would render even basic arithmetic and counting as obsolete, which is ridiculous. Essentially, it is a case of Smith's word against a number of suspicious details pointing against him. He acknowledged possession of a copy of part of one of Jones' manuscripts, on more than one occasion he deliberately altered or added to important documents before publishing them, and a material date I none of his manuscripts had been falsified had been changed to Bogus, 78 "Essentially" isn't technically incorrect here, but students do have a tendency to use words like "essentially" and "basically" too often.
It's somewhat conversational, and possibly colloquial. Try to avoid it unless something is truly essential. When you list several examples of something you've indicated, the way to punctuate it is as follows note the placement of the colon and subsequent semicolons : [Point being made]:[proof 1];[proof 2];[proof 3]; and[proof 4]. This way each proof can have punctuation such as commas without being confused with other points, and each proof still points to the main part of the sentence.
The "a material date I none of" doesn't seem to make sense at all. I think the whole thing is there in error, but for all I know the student was trying to say something different. I can't believe the student read this over and found it comprehensible. The parenthetical comment is important enough to be in the sentence properly. The student likely put the information in parentheses because the sentence was too awkwardly full of commas and clauses already.
Had the student properly punctuated the list of evidence, they would have been able to put this date information in as part of a proof segment.Below is a college application essay prompt to which a student provided a sample draft. Examples went to a college consultant for revision suggestions which are included. You may also want to use an English teacher, a guidance counselor, or a knowledgeable adult college help you written. A friend or parent pandemic business continuity plan probably not give you badly honest feed back essays need.
.That's an impossible assertion to make. If the world is ever-changing, how again can the student know that Smith's work won't one day be considered nonsense? There should not be a comma between "arguably" and "his. After the publication of whose discoveries: Jones' or Smith's? Is the student saying that Smith was elected to a minor fellowship that year or another year? When you list several examples of something you've indicated, the way to punctuate it is as follows note the placement of the colon and subsequent semicolons : [Point being made]:[proof 1];[proof 2];[proof 3]; and[proof 4].
.First, let's pick out the different topics being addressed: the method of differentiation the university re-opening after the plague Smith's ascension through the university ranks the need of a document detailing differentiation, which was eventually created Smith's mental state, desires and fears Now, if we replace each sentence with the number of the corresponding idea, we can see what a jumbled mess this is: 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5, 5, 4, 3. The student likely put the information in parentheses because the sentence was too awkwardly full of commas and clauses already. The student meant to say that the duration of the argument caused Smith to lose.
If it truly did benefit the scientific community as a whole, the student should cite a source demonstrating that to be the case. During this time, Smith constructed a water clock. At the end of the day John challenged the boy to a fight.
Does gravity only affect humans?
It's unlikely to have all happened in one year, though it is possible. After no sign of recovery, a lawyer was summoned to the manor. An example of this might be if a black scientist's prime motivation to find a cure for sickle cell anemia was because that disease strikes black people in proportionally higher numbers. Good Examples Smith was a religious, Christian man. A will does not include land, a house, etc. Smith attempted to obtain his doctorate of law degree at the University of Anytown but was denied because positions were being held for the older students -- and Smith was much too young.
This sentence says that Smith suffered the illness. Smith also helped to improve the scientific community; his focus was mainly regarding widgetry. The student has not shown whether or not the dictionary has separate definitions for widgetry or otherwise accounts for its apparent lack of sufficient definition. If they mean it was the most superior numerical time of his life, then he logically cannot have been more than 36 months old. Jones was "not that easy" to what? I was able to get two trout, and dad finished off with two more.
The student means, "starting with his childhood and following through to his death. More examples of errors that could have been caught if the students had bothered to read their essay: According to hi diary He felt a need for fame and fortune, yet on the other hand he had an abundant fear of rejection. In discussing whether someone was proven incorrect or not, it is a good idea to fully explain who did the proving when, and possibly even how they came to their conclusion. Everything had fallen into place. The Royal Society always had someone coming in each week they met to show off their invention.
Don't bounce around within the paragraph as this student has done. You can't go from "was" to "is" if the subject remains fixed in time. First, let's pick out the different topics being addressed: the method of differentiation the university re-opening after the plague Smith's ascension through the university ranks the need of a document detailing differentiation, which was eventually created Smith's mental state, desires and fears Now, if we replace each sentence with the number of the corresponding idea, we can see what a jumbled mess this is: 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5, 5, 4, 3. Jones' contributions to mathematics hardly impact the life of someone living in a non-literate, non-industrialized society.