To be honest, I was really nervous. I hadn't had too much interaction with special needs students before, and wasn't sure how to handle myself around them. Long story short, I got hooked. Three years have passed helping out in APE and eventually becoming a teacher in the Applied Behavior Analysis summer program. I love working with the students and watching them progress. When senior year arrived, college meetings began, and my counselor asked me what I wanted to do for a career, I didn't say Emperor of the World.
Instead, I told him I wanted to become a board-certified behavior analyst. A BCBA helps develop learning plans for students with autism and other disabilities. Basically, I would get to do what I love for the rest of my life. He laughed and told me that it was a nice change that a seventeen-year-old knew so specifically what she wanted to do. I smiled, thanked him, and left. But it occurred to me that, while my desired occupation was decided, my true goal in life was still to become a Fixer-Upper.
I'll do one thing during the day, then spend my off-hours helping people where I can. Instead of flying like Sue, though, I'll opt for a nice performance automobile. My childhood self would appreciate that. The main thing they have in common is they use lifetime event language to build an engaging and interesting narrative. And they are the two keys to any great essay.
A Simple Flowing Structure. The story told in the essay unfolds in chronographic order. This metaphor is not only clear, but it demonstrates self-knowledge.
She knows what she wants to be as she has always known since childhood. A Unique Voice Bridget uses techniques that build a rapport with the reader. Through the course of the narrative, we get to know her, and her perspective on the world. She becomes someone we like, and believe is genuine.
There are three main techniques: Humor Bridget pokes fun at herself and the childish notions she had about the world. This highlights her growing maturity as she is starting to understand how simplistic her childhood dream was, and how complex the world really is. Not only she is mature enough to realize this, she doesn't abandon that dream but merely redefines in a way that both makes sense, and remains true to her vision.
The fact she is able to see the funny side portrays her as open-minded and adaptable. It also gives a greater connotation to the idea of mending something that was broken in her eyes, of healing that more generic terms would miss. These terms give us a greater view of how Bridget perceives the world and lets us understand her actions towards it.
These childish terms are charming and iconic. These terms are central to the essay, providing it with its key concept and holding its theme together. Syntax Bridget switches the structure, length, and syntax of a sentence. The majority of the essay uses standard English and English grammar. By doing something slightly unorthodox with language, Bridget makes the reader pay attention to her story.
The use of the exclamation mark gives the sentence that Eureka moment. Or do they?. A similar shift in sentence length is used when she begins to discuss her present-day aspirations. This emphasizes her doubts, or how she is trying to reconcile how her childish aspirations relate to the adult world. This key concept is emphasized through a parallel sentence structure, a rhetorical device that is commonly used in literature to create links between segments of a text and create emphasis.
Here Bridget goes from being nervous about helping students with disabilities to being hooked. The slang also emphasizes this area of the letter. So, by changing the sentence structure, Bridget is emphasizing her feelings and drawing attention to her personality and emotional drive.
This endows the admission essay with a fantastic and unique voice. How could this essay have been better? To make the hook work better, Bridget needed to explain why cars were connected to the idea more or maybe have deleted the thing about cars and used the space from some more relevant.
Give More Details Around Teaching Experience The crux of the essay is this experience that gave her the confidence and knowledge of what she wanted to help fix in the world. Despite this Bridget glosses over the what it was about the experience that made her feel this way, and what the experience really entailed in the essay.
What exactly was her experience here? Tips for Writing Your Own Essay Are you wondering how this resource and the stockpile of old letters can make your own admission essay better? Here are some ideas on how to use the information we have provided here. Dissect the Other Essays on Your Own Here is a checklist of questions that will help you analyze and think about the other essays that we have collected.
Checklist Questions Examine the opening sentence and explain why it works so well? How does it hook you and make you want to read on? How does the author describe the anecdote?
What senses does the author use to convey the story? A core strength of the essay is the way it demonstrates personal growth. It shows Janice starting at a place of guilt for only professing her love to her grandmother once, and ends with her coming to terms with the ways that love is expressed differently in her family.
Through the intimate details that Janice provides about her childhood—such as her mother caring for her when she was sick—the reader gets a genuine sense of who she is and where she comes from.
Throughout the essay, she maintains an emotional authenticity that doesn't feel sappy, which can be a delicate line to tread. While the essay overall reads smoothly, it could benefit from the simplification of some phrases and sentences. Clarity is more important than ornate language.
Finally, the quote in the last paragraph feels unnecessary. Foaming at the mouth, I was ready to pass out. Ten minutes prior, I had been eating dinner with my family at a Chinese restaurant, drinking chicken-feet soup. My mom had specifically asked the waitress if there were peanuts in it, because when I was two we found out that I am deathly allergic to them. When the waitress replied no, I went for it. Suddenly I started scratching my neck, feeling the hives that had started to form.
I rushed to the restroom to throw up because my throat was itchy and I felt a weight on my chest. I was experiencing anaphylactic shock, which prevented me from taking anything but shallow breaths.
I was fighting the one thing that is meant to protect me and keep me alive — my own body. All I knew was that I felt sick, and I was waiting for my mom to give me something to make it better. I thought my parents were superheroes; surely they would be able to make well again. But I became scared when I heard the fear in their voices as they rushed me to the ER.
After that incident, I began to fear. I became scared of death, eating, and even my own body. Ultimately, that fear turned into resentment; I resented my body for making me an outsider. In the years that followed, this experience and my regular visits to my allergy specialist inspired me to become an allergy specialist. Even though I was probably only ten at the time, I wanted to find a way to help kids like me.
I wanted to find a solution so that nobody would have to feel the way I did; nobody deserved to feel that pain, fear, and resentment. This past summer, I took a month-long course on human immunology at Stanford University.
I learned about the different mechanisms and cells that our bodies use in order to fight off pathogens. My desire to major in biology in college has been stimulated by my fascination with the human body, its processes, and the desire to find a way to help people with allergies. Watkins was the coordinator of the foreign exchange student program I was enrolled in.
She had a nine year old son named Cody. I would babysit Cody every day after school for at least two to three hours. He would talk a lot about his friends and school life, and I would listen to him and ask him the meanings of certain words. He was my first friend in the New World. She had recently delivered a baby, so she was still in the hospital when I moved into their house. The Martinez family did almost everything together.
We made pizza together, watched Shrek on their cozy couch together, and went fishing on Sunday together. On rainy days, Michael, Jen and I would sit on the porch and listen to the rain, talking about our dreams and thoughts.
Within two months I was calling them mom and dad. After I finished the exchange student program, I had the option of returning to Korea but I decided to stay in America. I wanted to see new places and meet different people. After a few days of thorough investigation, I found the Struiksma family in California. They were a unique group. The host mom Shellie was a single mom who had two of her own sons and two Russian daughters that she had adopted.
The kids always had something warm to eat, and were always on their best behavior at home and in school. In the living room were six or seven huge amplifiers and a gigantic chandelier hung from the high ceiling. The kitchen had a bar. At first, the non-stop visits from strangers made me nervous, but soon I got used to them.
I remember one night, a couple barged into my room while I was sleeping. It was awkward. In the nicest way possible, I told them I had to leave. They understood. The Ortiz family was my fourth family. Kimberly, the host mom, treated me the same way she treated her own son. She made me do chores: I fixed dinner, fed their two dogs Sassy and Lady, and once a week I cleaned the bathroom.
I also had to follow some rules: No food in my room, no using the family computer, no lights on after midnight, and no ride unless it was an emergency.
The first couple of months were really hard to get used to, but eventually I adjusted. I lived with the Ortiz family for seven months like a monk in the deep forest. It was unexpected and I only had a week to find a new host family. I asked my friend Danielle if I could live with her until I found a new home. The Dirksen family had three kids. They were all different. Danielle liked bitter black coffee, Christian liked energy drinks, and Becca liked sweet lemon tea.
After dinner, we would all play Wii Sports together. I was the king of bowling, and Dawn was the queen of tennis. Afterward, we would gather in the living room and Danielle would play the piano while the rest of us sang hymns.
Of course, those 28 months were too short to fully understand all five families, but I learned from and was shaped by each of them. By teaching me English, nine year-old Cody taught me the importance of being able to learn from anyone; the Martinez family showed me the value of spending time together as a family; the Struiksma family taught me to reserve judgment about divorced women and adopted children; Mrs. In short: He buries a series of essence images in his first paragraphs one per family.
When he reveals each lesson at the end, one after the other, we sense how all these seemingly random events are connected.
We realize this writer has been carefully constructing this piece all along; we see the underlying structure.
It also gives a greater connotation to the idea of mending something that was broken in her eyes, of healing that more generic terms would miss.
I thought my parents were superheroes; surely they would be able to make well again. He laughed and told me that it was a nice change that a seventeen-year-old knew so specifically what she wanted to do. Write an engaging introduction. Smeared blood, shredded feathers. Or do they?.